you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Randomize
