These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
