got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
She bit a glass in half.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
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