My balls are so social today.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
