what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
