how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
