ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
