I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
