I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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