Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Randomize
