I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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