im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
