Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
two words...techno handjob
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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