You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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