He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
