if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Randomize
