We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
