You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize