you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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