you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
