one two three fourrrrnication!
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
