do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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