when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
