my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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