Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Randomize
