I'm drive I can fine osifer
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
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