I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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