I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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