Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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