Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
