i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
