3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
