Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
