omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I wish there were birth control emojis
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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