dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
