Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I'm having to shit out rocks
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