so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
