Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
If its not for food we ain't going out.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
