Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize