i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
