I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
