He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
No...this little piggys going to the bar
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
