There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
