I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
