sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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