Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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