Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
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