How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Randomize
