ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize