did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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