Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Randomize
