I just threw up on my dentist
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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