youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
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