well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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