his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
