I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
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