Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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