Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Randomize
