WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
