mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
and she was petting her beer can
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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